Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad