Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
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my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME