Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
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Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?