Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

What about second breakfast?

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.