Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.