@eddiesteadyno

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

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@rambo_dogg

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

@DirtMcTurd

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

@NoticablyBacon

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

@HellisWorthit

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

@RunOldMan

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

@chuuew

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

@WheelTod

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

@simoncholland

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”