(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Your secret is safeish with me
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?