(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.