(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
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Your mother has terrible taste in children.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”