[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Family Celebrity
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.