[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
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everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
🤣🤣🤣
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap