Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.