Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild