Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
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I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap