Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way