Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
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A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
spicy snake
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
October already? What’s next? November????
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”