Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

spicy snake

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

October already? What’s next? November????

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”