Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
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Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.