making sure he doesnt get away
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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Happy birthday to all the women
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?