making sure he doesnt get away
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client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.