[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
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[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner