[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.