(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
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TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.