(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.