(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
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walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this