(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
i will not be silenced
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree