(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
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I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
This was the best day of my life
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
#Thanos #MondayMood
He wanted to make sure😂
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.