(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
