making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
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clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
i think both sides are to blame here
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
me before I type out affect or effect
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
#merica
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory