making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
What about second breakfast?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.