Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
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9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.