Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

Order here:
More here:

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?