making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
yeah not falling for this one
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I don’t have time to exaggerate, I have a million things to do today
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
