making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
stop
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
