Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.