PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
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WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
‘Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?’
–my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-
Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!