[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.