male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
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“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
🙋♀️
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.