Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

The sacred texts.

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes