male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
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The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?