male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
You Might Also Like
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Comparing yourself to others
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor