Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

pain

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.