“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
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Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Huge, if true.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.