“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
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My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
watching gymnastics
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk