Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

What

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

12653.

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people