Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
my favorite gender
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Every work call, he judges.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
