Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
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Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.