*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
edward fingerhands
She knows her part so well!
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.