*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
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Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot