Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
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My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine