Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
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It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text