Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname