Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

john wicks are toilet candles

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

#StillHurts

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife