Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
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At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person