@AnkCoupleTO

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

You Might Also Like

@sonictyrant

girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time

me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!

@Scigglez

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

@cravin4

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

@donni

When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it

@Lamalover2

Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?

@CovertAgentP

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

@Browtweaten

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

@LuvPug

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

@matt___nelson

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow