girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time
me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
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Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it
Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
For them to grow