[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
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US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am