Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Damn he played himself
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree