Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
smh
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know