Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p