Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Lol
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant