Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

*files a restraining order against reality*

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”