Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

this post was so formative to me

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

I really had high hopes for this year though

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.