cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Wife: Wait here.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
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Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?
“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Psychologist: Go to your happy place.
Me: *grabs car keys*
Psychologist: Where are you going?
Me: The liquor store.
Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important