Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

Not today, today.
Not today.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him