Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

ㅤ

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

Bike for sale

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

My nickname in high school was “who?”

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.