Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
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[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation