Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.