Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

My favorite female superhero

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.