Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
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I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend