Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
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im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]