Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”