Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

Yeah. This was me today.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.