Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
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[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.