Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

I saw nothing

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble